Last New Years Eve I declared 2012 the Year of No Judgement. That resolution lasted about as long as your resolution to stop reading random blogs you found on Facebook. I mean really, there are plenty of better things you could be doing with your time right now…

<deep breath>

So like I was saying about not judging people…

I consider myself an observer of the human condition. That’s my “college essay” answer, but really I just like to people watch. My high school and college years were spent mostly in solitude and through that I developed an outsider’s world view. I studied people in public like Jane Goodall studied apes (no offense) and I imitated their speech and mannerisms on those rare occasions when I was surrounded by “insiders”.

Early on I learned three keys to basic conversation survival.  First, you can always talk about the weather. Second, if you’re surrounded by guys the best rule of thumb is to start talking about Kobe Bryant. He is a lightning rod for conversation and you only need mention his name to get them started on a debate. And finally I learned to never under any circumstances be real, open, honest with other human beings.

That’s overly dramatic. But I realize now that what started as jokes or observations became a costume – a judge’s robe and gavel I could slip on to avoid making real connections with people around me. If you’ve spent time around me lately I’m sure you’ve rolled your eyes at some of my proclamations:

10% of Girls Look Good in Hats.

Size of the purse, size of the brain.

There are two kinds of guys in the world: Those who burned ants with a magnifying glass and those who let them live.

People with 4 syllable names tend to be better than others.

We can debate these anytime (except for the syllable thing, that’s one of my craziest notions), but they started with good intentions or out of humor and maybe they even have a hint of wisdom and usefulness. But that’s not how I was treating them. I realized that in very subtle ways I began to base decisions on them. I told myself I was smart and observant and I was just saving time by taking into account these factors without having to get to know someone to have them prove it to be true. They were becoming a wall between me and the real world I didn’t want to bother exploring.

And just like roaches scatter in the light, my hypocrisy was exposed when I started to think about ways in which I’m being judged. This brings us to Jack Johnson…

I hate Jack Johnson (with exception of about 3 songs). I know this doesn’t make sense because I love laid back acoustic singer-songwriter music. Trust me, I have had multiple fights with Pandora that go a little bit like this…

Pandora: If you loved John Mayer, David Wilcox, and Iron and Wine, you’re going to love this!
Me: No, Pandora, that’s Jack Johnson. I told you not to play him.
Pandora: Ok so you like male solo singers with an acoustic guitar who wear flip flops and shell necklaces… how about this Jack Johnson song?
Me: I’ve been seeing Spotify behind your back.

It’s silly, but it’s a great analogy for how I’ve been treating people. “Your shirt has a dragon on it? Then I’ve got you all figured out.”

Growing up overweight gave me a ton (puns!) of experience in being judged superficially. And I bottled up that spite because I was going to use it as fuel! Fuel to get in shape and show everyone that I wasn’t just the funny sidekick. I wasn’t Randy Quaid, I was Dennis Quaid!  But that’s the thing about bottling things up… somehow they always seem to break open and spill out their poison inside of ourselves. It happens so slowly that sometimes we dont even know we’re getting sick.

Saturday I got to spend time with a friend of mine who doesn’t seem to have any judge’s costume to hide from other people. Watching him engage strangers with reckless abandon made me laugh, it made me jealous and it made me realize that a part of me was sick. I believe we are meant to live our lives with boldness and an openness that makes me uncomfortable. In much the same way a good workout makes me uncomfortable. It’s worth the reward.

I am fond of saying, “Give me confidence or the courage to fake it.” – So my hope for myself is that I’ll have the courage to fake my confidence in actually getting to know people before judging them.

Unless she has a hat on.