I’m in love.

I admit it – I’m in sappy, crazy, blissful, it’s-like-we-share-a-brain love. I promise this blog post isn’t about how awesome she is or the story of how we met. Instead, this story is about the little voice in my head that recognizes how happy I am and immediately wonders how it will all go wrong.

I don’t consider myself a pessimist – I often force myself to look at the bright side of any situation but when it comes to myself, there is a small faction of my brain that rushes to assume the worst. It’s a silly notion, I know. Even typing this out is like turning a flashlight on the dark corner where these fears hide. They scatter into excuses of “well, just playing it safe” or  “life experience” but really they are cockroaches of weakness.

When these lies get past my defenses I start thinking there’s no way in the world I deserve her. I start thinking about being a better person to make sure she stays in love with me. I start thinking I can earn her.

But I cannot. She chooses to love who I am. Not who I think she wants to see. It is a blessing, a gift, not a paycheck for some job I’ve accomplished.

It is a dim reflection of a more perfect love I try to earn.

“God loves you!” is a phrase I’ve heard countless times. I’ve sung “Jesus Loves the Little Children” more times (and more recently) than you’d think. Even though I say that God loves me unconditionally I still think I can do something to sweeten the deal.

If I give that homeless guy a dollar.

If I go to church.

If I refrain from swearing for a whole day.

If I don’t cut that guy off even though he totally deserves it…

I think I can earn God’s favor. But Grace that is given to me freely. If God truly kept score I’d be in real trouble.

Recently I’ve been realizing how truly silly it is to think I can earn love. If love was so transactional would it be the the mysterious miracle that it is? It’s in my nature to want to control my world – including ensuring who loves me – but love calls for a surrender. That’s why it’s called “falling in love”.

I cannot earn God’s love or her love – I can only trust that I have it even when I falter. I’m in full free-fall and cherishing every minute of it.