Spoiler alert: I’m not God.

Some of you may have already figured that out, but in my first year as a dad I have had a few moments that have reminded me of how God the Father must feel watching over me… moments that left me feeling like a big baby:

Hold My Hand
Joshua is learning to walk. Right now, it’s a bit like watching a drunken cruise ship guest try to make it across the casino to the bar in rough seas. It’s fascinating (and hilarious) to watch – his face lights up with a huge smile but it only lasts a few feet before he falls down. The funny thing is, if I let him hold just my pinky finger he can walk across the house. All he needs is contact with a steady hand to guide him and he can go anywhere. I am bigger than he is and I can see obstacles and threats that lie ahead. I want to help him avoid trouble that he would certainly find if left to stumble alone.

I also need a steady guiding hand in my life. To me, that is being constantly aware that there is something bigger than me. God knows more and can see further than I can and everyday I need him – some days I need to be carried but others I can walk the walk… with His steady hand.

Let It Go
Joshua has a basketball game that lights up and makes fun sounds when you put a little orange ball in the basket. Joshua loves to be celebrated (he gets that from me, of course) and he knows the basic concept that the ball needs to go in the basket. The thing he hasn’t mastered is that it has to go through the basket. Instead of dunking it, he holds it tight and puts his fist in the basket, waiting for the flashing lights and music. I tell him “Let it go!”  – I explain that if he releases it, it will come back to him PLUS he’ll get the celebration. So far he hasn’t learned this.

There are things in my life that I’m clutching too hard – I know I should let go and hold on to things more important but so many times I just say the words and don’t change my behavior. How many times have I pretended to put faith, family, friends first but then actually put myself and my phone a priority. There are things that are perfectly fine in my hands but when I let them go they can turn into something better. So far I have not learned this.

My Absence Is Intentional
We’re very fortunate that Joshua usually sleeps through the night but as a parent I’ve seen more of 3am than I ever did in my Old Town Scottsdale days. There are times when he wakes in his crib in the night and doesn’t take it well. Big tears immediately appear and he cries because he is alone in the dark. He doesn’t realize we’re watching him from a distance the baby cam and he doesn’t realize that good sleep leads to good days. Of course as parents we’d love to run in and hold him in our arms and cuddle his distress away – and we have on many nights – but as he grows we’re trying to teach him how to sleep on his own. He must go through this difficult stage as he learns to trust that he is safe even though it appears he’s alone and in the dark.

I am a big baby. I sometimes feel alone in the dark and I immediately despair. Why is it that it’s so easy to accept bad news but hope must be tested and prove itself like it’s a Supreme Court nominee. My soul so quickly cries out that I’ve been abandoned because I’m still going through that difficult stage of learning to rest on the faith that my Father is watching and will be there when I need Him.

These moments keep me humble. Even as a grown up I still face the same problems that I did as a child and it’s embarrassing to forget lessons I promised to learn. But then I see Joshua walk across the room to me or score a basket on his game or wake up smiling at 6am and I am filled with real, proven hope that I can learn too and I can improve with… ahem…. baby steps.