The NBA is back with a full 82-game schedule and David Stern has announced his future retirement.  This is a joyous time that deserves something special. I am that something special and I give you my predictions for the 2012-13 season…

Boston Celtics
One of the oldest teams in the league will feel the years this season when Kevin Garnett forgets every one of his teammates and coaches names in December. A frustrated Garnett will take it out by shouting obscenities at teammate Leandro Barbosa from the bench. Barbosa will be the first NBA player to record a layup while openly weeping.

Brooklyn Nets
The extreme makeover  of the Association will have a rough year on their new court but the team’s performance will not affect ticket sales due to a special promotion. When the Nets hold their opponent under 99 points, Jay-Z will be lowered from the rafters singing “99 Problems” while throwing out free tacos.

New York Knicks
Carmelo Anthony will put amazing numbers in losses drawing boos from angry New Yorkers. In January, he will shave his pencil thin mustache and begin distributing the ball and being a team player. Fans will be confused until team doctors reveal that he has, indeed, gone Linsane.

Philadelphia 76ers
The surprise of the East, the Sixers will manage to break free of their city’s tradition and play with a sportsmanlike and respectful demeanor. This will all change in the first round of the playoffs when Doug Collins – swept up in Philly fever – dons a sleeveless tee and takes a swing at referee Joey Crawford.

Toronto Raptors
The forgotten squad will finally get fed up of hearing both the American and Canadian national anthems and start a riot resulting in the serious injury to a barbershop quartet. No charges will be pressed. Vince Carter will have his jersey retired and raised to the ceiling of a concourse mens room.

Dallas Mavericks
Dirk Nowitzki will take the general manager duties into his own hands blatantly offering contracts to guys during free throw shots. Mark Cuban will strangle Vince Carter during a pregame dispute causing the first “DNP – Dead ” in boxscore history.

Houston Rockets
Jeremy Lin will be beloved by the Rockets fan base and lead the team into the postseason. Tragedy will strike when Shaun Livingston’s knee spontaneously explodes on the court but Lin will look to the rafters, whisper something, then lay his hands on Livingston, healing his knee and causing every human being to shed a tear for being a part of something bigger than themselves. And they will get swept in the first round.

Memphis Grizzlies
Public relations, marketing, and community relations will merge with horrible consequences when the Grizzlies’ Marc Gasol makes a guest appearance on an episode of A&E’s The First 48. Gasol will ride along with homicide detectives through some of Memphis’ roughest neighborhoods trying to solve a murder but the publicity will backfire when Gasol discovers the culprit is his teammate Zach Randoph.

New Orleans Hornets
Realizing their days of being protected by Papa Stern are ending, Basketball Operations attends an afternoon seminar on how to run a professional sports team. This will result in a shocking playoff run, sweeping the Rockets in the playoffs. Unfortunately the management will not be able to trade away Robin Lopez before his inevitable meltdown and their season will end when the human muppet refuses to suit up until comic book Avenger Nick Fury comes and tells him to.

San Antonio Spurs
The Spurs season hope will be dashed early when Tim Duncan goes down with a season ending injury. Coach Popovich exercises a little-known clause in every Spurs’ contract and has Duncan flash frozen until the team perfects a treatment method. Duncan will rejoin the team in 2025 and he will earn MVP honors.

Chicago Bulls
The Bulls will dominate their division on the raw talent of Derrick Rose. Rose will contract a nasty strain of the flu in January causing the entire city of Chicago to grind to a halt. They will elect a human sacrifice to the basketball gods and perform the ceremony on the steps of city hall while Rose looks on, sipping a cup of Theraflu. His eventual return will be in vain however when key teammate Joakim Noah catches his reflection in a mirror for the first time in his adult life and collapses inconsolably. What I’m saying is: he’s an ugly man.

Cleveland Cavaliers
The Cavs will finally get over LeBreakup after watching his championship celebration on repeat all summer. They will make it all the way to the playoffs before Dan Gilbert drunkenly posts a blog on the team website begging LeBron to come back. Things have changed. It’ll be better this time.

Indiana Pacers
The Hoosier state home team will heavily promote the Hansbrough brothers even going so far as to have “Brothers Get In Free” night. This radio advertisement will be misunderstood by many causing riots at the box office and a public apology by the organization.

Milwaukee Bucks
The Bucks will go unnoticed until the Packers’ season ends disappointingly at which point fans will use whatever left over passion they have to cheer for the struggling bucks. One highlight is the appearance of Gary Shandling for Larry Sanders Night  in November.

DenverNuggets
George Karl will passive aggressively criticize his team in the press as an effective motivating technique. Unfortunately it motivates the Nuggets to eek their way into a 5-game exit from the first round of the playoffs. Andre Miller will have 1 game causing people to say he found the fountain of youth and 81 games proving that he hasn’t.

Minnesota Timberwolves
Kevin Love will continue to churn out solid performances in losses. He will smile like he’s dead inside until a bearhug from Andrei Kirilenko crushes his spine, mercifully putting him on IR for the season. Also, Andrei’s wife is hot.

OKC Thunder
The darlings of the NBA, the Thunder will not disappoint and roll through the West all the way to the Western Conference Finals. In a cruel twist of fate, Kevin Durant will be seriously injured while filming a sequel to his popular Finals commercial when he falls from the rafters. Russel Westbrook will hold a press conference where he confidently tells the media, “Don’t worry, I got this.” It will the only laughter heard in Oklahoma until the 2013 Red River Shootout.

Portland Trailblazers
The curses will continue for poor Portland. With Greg Oden bobbleheads still boxed up in the basement of the arena, the team will make a valiant push for a 2013 lottery pick. The game operations department will begin each game by lowering the lights and playing highlights of Kevin Durant over audio of Nat King Cole’s “Smile Though your Heart is Breaking”

Utah Jazz
Chants for fan favorite Gordon Hayward will fill the arena while coach Tyron Corbin pretends it isn’t subtle racism. The Jazz will once again make the playoffs despite an awkward pregame ritual where they walk a clearly confused Jerry Sloan out of the locker room and back to his car.

Atlanta Hawks
Spirits will be low in ATL after a horrible start to the season but an inspiring speech by Kyle Korver will rouse the team. He will tell them that they are given an opportunity every night and even though there may come a time when they lose. It won’t be TONIGHT. He gives the speech before every game and the team indeed plays to it’s fullest potential. And it’s fullest potential is losing in 7 games in the first round of the playoffs.

Charlotte Bobcats
The Bobcats will petition the NBA for a mercy rule in games and will be awarded 2 quarters per season for their performance to be simulated by an NBA Live game played by a randomly selected fan. Michael Jordan will lose $10,000 on a bet to a season ticket holder on the over/under of how many times his gambling problems will be mentioned on a national broadcast.

Miami Heat
Summer’s Eve will become an official team sponsor. LeBron will suffer from a lack of motivation after winning his first championship and will be spotted clipping his toenails on the bench. After an injury to Mario Chalmers frees up a spot for an additional ring-seeking aging verteran, the team will acquire Dan Marino in a PR move to get him the championship that alluded him in the NBA.

Orlando Magic
The Cleveland Cavs of the NBA will try and get over being spurned by their superstar. They will challenge the Blazers for the worst record in the NBA but they will set records for their season ticket numbers. See, it’s simple. You buy season tickets in Amway Arena, then you get two other people to buy tickets to Amway Arena, then THEY get two people…

Washington Wizards
The addition of red to the Wizards logo will prove to be foreboding when a handgun – forgotten by Gilbert Arenas – falls from a ceiling tile in the locker room and shoots John Wall. The injury will be minor, but it will be the only time anyone in the NBA thinks about the Wizards all season.

Golden State Warriors
The big surprise of the 2012-13 season will be the defensive presence of the Warriors. They will hold teams to a league-low 89 points per game average and only years late will the truth be revealed that center Festus Ezeli is a member of the X-Men and his mutant power is dominating the paint.

Los Angeles Clippers
Blake Griffin’s theatrics will set an ESPN record when the highlight package of the their game against the Trailblazers will last longer than the actual game. Grant Hill will see extended bench time in the season and grow bored of his role, and begins writing speeches for his eventual political career. Lamar Odom’s season will be cut short when he is devoured in a post-mating ritual by his monster/wife Khloe Kardashian.

Los Angeles Lakers

One of these people will be in jail before the season ends. (hint: It’s Artest)

Phoenix Suns
After a string of injuries to its bench, the Suns will become the first NBA team to  suit of front office employees as a cost-saving measure. The financially ingenious plan will have his drawbacks, however, when the team has to forfeit an overtime game against the Grizzlies when the employees are forced to leave the arena when ownership refuses to grant them overtime pay.

Sacramento Kings
Not learning anything from the fiasco in Indiana, the Kings try and salvage a losing season with a promotion around their star DeMarcus Cousins. Their “Cousins Get In Free” Night was scheduled when the Kings hosted the Utah Jazz. The resulting Mormon crowd bankrupts the Maloofs and the team plays the 2013-14 season in the parking lot of the Palms Casino.