As my wife enters the final days of her pregnancy, I thought it might be helpful to give you a list of the top 10 mistakes guys I made this past summer.
10) Being cliche
We’ve all seen movies or tv shows where the husband begrudgingly or awkwardly learns about the wonders of the female body during the pregnancy process. While it might be funny to watch, it’s a lot less amusing to a wife who’s trying to learn as much as she can about what lies ahead. Oh also… do not under any circumstances start laughing during the class on breastfeeding.
9) Not being cliche
Another scene usually comes later in those tv shows where the husband surprises the wife with some grand gesture. Something that shows he’s thinking about her and is really invested in this process. So cheesy, right? Well it turns out that’s the good kind of cheesy. Like nacho cheesy. Those moments are like light houses for emotional safety as she navigates the stormy seas of her daily routine. Oh also… do not under any circumstances make fun of the sweet cliche thing on tv that’s making her cry.
8) Drinking Malibu
I’m not quite sure why this one is important. My wife enjoys a Malibu mixed drink every now and then and during the pregnancy she’s mentioned how much she misses it. Well I found a bottle she had tucked away in our pantry and a helped myself to a nice cold drink that I enjoyed in front of her. For some reason this was a mistake so I guess… do not under any circumstances drink Malibu.
7) Steering into the skid
I’ve found that emotions in pregnancy are a little bit like driving during an ice storm in Texas. No one knows what’s going on, some idiots are just driving normal causing problems for everyone else, and usually you just end up spinning your wheels. When a conversation starts to slide off the road, don’t steer into it and try and correct it – that only makes this worse. Just take your foot off the gas, calm things down and maybe distract her with something nice (see #9). As my friend Will says, “Shhh…. just let it happen.” Oh also… do not under any circumstances quote Will to her when she’s upset.
6) Doing the Dishes (1st trimester)
The thing about a magic act is… you’ve got a lot of rabbit turds to pick up once the audience leaves. Pregnancy is magical, but it can make quite an emotional mess in the beginning as the changes begin taking effect. Early on in the pregnancy I decided it was finally my turn to do the dishes (we’d been married for 8 months, it was time) – well this made her cry because she felt bad that I was having to do the chores while she was drained of all her energy in the first trimester. It was a confusing time for both of us. Oh also… do not under any circumstances think that this No Dishes rule is permanent because…
5) Not doing the dishes (3rd trimester)
In the 3rd trimester, the growing human inside of her is beginning to feel cramped in their apartment and start trying to knock down walls. As a landlord who is very attached to those walls, my wife was sometimes not too happy with just the process of sitting still on the couch. In this stage, the pile of dishes growing in the sink represented everything she needed/wanted/felt obligated to do but couldn’t because of the pregnancy and as the pile grew, so did her stress levels. So soap up, get your hands… dirty? clean? and and wash those dishes because she’s not going to think it’s sweet anymore. She’s going to think it’s about damn time. Oh also… do not under any circumstances think that the dishwasher will be a bro and handle it for you. That jerk will leave food on the dishes and totally throw you under the bus.
4) Watching football
My wife loves finding deals and saving money. She also loves coming home and telling me in amazing detail about each purchase, the cents per dollar discount she managed to get and then the total savings which she says for the end as any good storyteller should. She also loves football and when games are being played she’ll always want them on the tv. During the fourth quarter of a close game she recently began telling me about her shopping trip earlier in the day as one team was seconds away from taking the lead in the red zone she’d speak over the play-by-play with enthusiasm and passion… about shopping for baby clothes. But a year from now, 6 months, heck maybe even a week from now I won’t care about that game but I will care about my kid having clothes to wear. Oh also… do not under any circumstances run a draw play on 3rd and 6 when the defense has 8 guys on the line.
3) Taking a picture in the ultrasound room
Guys, they don’t tell you this all the time but sometimes taking pictures is prohibited in certain areas. Don’t be the guy who gets caught and yelled at by the ultrasound technician midway through the pregnancy which makes each visit afterwards extremely awkward. Oh also… do not under any circumstances use the machine on your own stomach once she leaves the room.
2) Saying “It’s Getting Real” in Week 37
Your wife will be carrying a human around inside of her. She’ll feel someone else’s hiccups, kicks, summersaults and all sorts of other things that keep her up at night, keep her running to the bathroom and keep her emotions swirling so much that Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt should be chasing them. So it’s not cool to say “Oh it’s getting real!” after 37 weeks just because you saw her belly move from across the room. Oh also… do not under any circumstances see a kick and exclaim, “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!”
1) Writing a blog post that compares her to the 1996 movie ‘Twister’
Uh oh.