i do not seek the sound of your laughter
though you still make my heart beat faster
i do not bottle joy to pour on you
i have seen everything you’re willing to do

i found you bright, i found you lacking
a castle walls with signs of cracking
you had your flaws, i had my doubts
i let you in, you hollowed me out

i feel that power in my bones
it’s strongest when i’m left alone
your words slip beneath the skin
i wince, and flash a transparent grin

i am cold, i am no fire
to rest a weary selfish desire
for i am no place to wash your face
and leave refreshed without a trace

there is evidence that you were here
you are tracked in the trail of my tears

last night i was reminded
why i’m trying to forget you
i dreamed i saw you standing
in my dream you were a statue

i was walking in a crowd
you’ve never been alone
they all stepped aside
you were set in stone

felt a camera in my hand
i held it to my face
for i am just a tourist
from a far off place

there was, i think, a smile
chiseled softly in your lips
you know why i have come
this just one of many trips

i waited there, till i awoke
i laid down at your feet
a servant finding freedom
is a taste of bittersweet

i will always think of you
so much like a stone
careless, hard, and cold
though you have never been alone

i chose a costume from my closet
whatever mood you’re in today
face up to an honest mirror
rehearse words i’ll never say

and when i’m home from chasing you
hang my laugh on the back of the chair
slip on a sadness that’s wearing thin
and wonder why i care

i pour myself out for you
whatever you want me to
and they say it’s such a waste
what i do …to put a smile on your face

my hope is beaten and left for dead
but it picks itself up again and again
send someone strong enough to finish the job
i fear this will never end

i want to crawl inside, behind your eyes
and then finally i could see
how truly far you are from
ever wanting me

smuggle these words out of my head
in whispers meant for angel ears
and carry them off to heaven
wrapped up in my deepest fears

i am too smart to fall for this
she is not worth the chase
but i am made a fool by
every smile on her face

so i send a simple prayer
i know i should not pray
let her be the one for me
or take this hope away

lead her back into my life
make me who she wants to see
at least a mask and costume
someone i will never be

i want to make her happy
only God can make her mine
hope is hard to hide from
and love is hard to find

1-26-01
—-

she was more to me than i can say
more than syllables convey
it was public access on the air
everyone gets it, nobody cares

hearing her voice and “hey it’s me”
like the oxygen i forgot to breathe
and i inhale it and fill my soul
claw for the diamond in the coal

she was a cliff one step behind
i can’t fly but i don’t mind
falling for her wasn’t so bad
but a worse landing i’ve never had

i see her smile trapped in a frame
in the picture it all stays the same
but now each goodbye could be for real
everyone knows how i feel

these tears traded like stocks and bonds
on the market of ‘is she really gone’
so i spin it fresh for a tale to tell
how i was lulled into her spell

she didn’t even give me the chance
to make a grand speech for the sake of romance
i didn’t get to stand my ground
to “i’ll see you around”

that’s not fair
you don’t care
you’ve been there too
it’s happened to you

right?