Category Archives: Conviction / Doubt

tattoo

Posted on by under Conviction / Doubt, Faith, God

tonight i look back on my life
i think that you would like to see
me by the fire, out in the crowd
saying, “no, he aint’ with me”

because i cannot claim to be
someone who knows the truth
when i can’t even walk in your way
everyday of my life is proof

but You tatoo me
Your word in my heart
You tatoo me
we’ll never be apart
help me live up to
this tatoo

play the music, pull me offstage
i’ve done my damage to Your name
You let me hold up a banner for You
while i’m a slave to flesh and flame

so when i deny You, are You glad
You don’t have to speak for my sins?
but when i weep, You hold my hands
You know that i’ll do it again…

show me

Posted on by under Conviction / Doubt, God, Struggles

nothing seems less fair
than these tears that fall
i was on my best behavior
still not good enough
for You
who watches us unfold
and lay bare in open day
cringe and crinkle in the flames
no, still not worthy
nothing i have earned
to keep me happy, keep me saved
keep me from being burned
it’s only You
who pull me higher
only You who demands my desire
above healing of old wounds
i want You to come back soon
and explain to me why
i let myself down
and give pieces of me away
to all the wrong people
who can’t be trusted
with what You made
this sad mess of a man
but You see more in me
than i could ever dream
show me
a frame from a better day
a glimpse of when i let go
and let You lead the way

fault

Posted on by under Conviction / Doubt, God, Struggles

one crack in the wall means the death of the dam
and i feel the fissures in all that i am
i can’t let go of what should float away

these waves are relentless, they pound the shore
a stronger man could stand for more
but i crumble and fall into the sea
but the waters NEVER rise above me

you told me i’d make it
if i just held on
it’s my faults
i couldn’t last that long

so just don’t make things ok again
i need creation, not just ammends
don’t paint me over in pure bright white

but give me the fire i dread like death
give me the birth i crave like breath
melt my walls and make them new
so the world will know i stand for You

tell me i’ll make it
if i just hold on
fix my faults
so i can’t last that long

goddess

Posted on by under Conviction / Doubt, Getting Over It, Girls, God, Sad

i’d follow her to my demise
if she’d only wipe my eyes
her frown could cloud the bluest skies
i lived each day to feel her pass by

i’d never speak her name in vain
i’d always wonder what she’d say
i’d stick with her through wind and rain
i believe i’ll see her (again) someday

but she, she’s not a goddess walking on dirt
she’s just a girl who knows how to flirt
God, forgive me, i fell at her feet
and i got hurt

but she didn’t love me enough to bleed
i had nothing she would need
she spread her wings when she was freed
and i could not follow that lead

she held me down when i was weak
she wouldn’t listen when i’d speak
she’s not the treasure that i seek
but i believed

afraid of You

Posted on by under Conviction / Doubt, God, Struggles

i’m not afraid of You
i’m afraid of what You can do
open my gates for an army of enemies
and let me have what i’m reaching for

so i get dressed up for you
i wash my hands and wipe my brow
a smile for you like you can’t see
i’m just trying to win your mercy

i doubt you’re there because
i am just as weak as i ever was
beat me down and steal my pride
prove that evil has nowhere to hide

how could you hang there
when you knew this day would come
how can you still care
after everything i’ve done

it’s cheap and easy to begin
“Lord, forgive me for my sins”
but it hurts so much to say
forgive me for today

surely this one was what made
the Son hang in unholy shade
surely God had to turn away
when this debt was paid

war

Posted on by under Conviction / Doubt, Faith, God

well i’ve been promised the world in your name
in the morning it all sounds the same
well they tell me i’m new, that i matter to you
i want to believe it’s true

so i set out all smiles to see
the grand plan of eternity
and all that i find are ambushing sorrows
i can’t even predict my tomorrows

it’s feeling less like a quest
to capture what’s best for me
and more like a war that i must surrender

the easy advice, “fall upon trust”
but i want to believe just because i must
evidence that speaks louder than doubt
love so real – my fears are drowned out

but i would not be loving you
if i did not choose
to believe you’re true

so this is my white flag
take me over

all that i am
i lay at Your feet
and joyously
i claim defeat

whatever i need

Posted on by under Conviction / Doubt, God, Struggles

how many times have you stood at the beside
and watched the loved ones come in and cry
each tear a secret no one can confide
how many times have you watched us die

how many times have you whispered your grace
how many people really heard what you meant
each word, twisted and turned, for quick release
how many times have you stayed silent

but this is me, down on my knees
i know you’ve seen me this way before
this is me, saying ‘help me, please’
and knockin’ on your door

give me what it is i need to be free

i’m locked up here in day after day
looking for something, some kind of key
mourning the loss of things passed away
how many out there are just like me

the questions are echoes bounced off the sky
the answers you gave are ignored or denied
we’re not here to watch our lives pass by
how many times have you heard this cry?

heaven help me

Posted on by under Conviction / Doubt, God, Struggles

365 reasons to say thank you
but all i can think about is one day
how so much can change in a year
and still say much the same

with my tainted wisdom i can guess
that i’ll keep falling till the floor
and only then will God pick me up
when i can’t fight Him anymore

heaven help me, i’m not there yet
why do i fall when You say i can fly?
heaven help me, i must forget
why i wound You with lies?
do what it takes to break me
heaven help me, i’m not there yet

how much further before i land
and fall broken to my knees
how many nights like this until
i hang from the tree of my deeds

i long for that distant day
when all this will be erased
as shadows flee from the sun
and i recognize Your face

reason in the rain

Posted on by under Conviction / Doubt, Faith, God, Struggles

thunder rolls inside of me
lightning flashes, i can’t see
what this storm is for

i’ve prayed the days gone by
please explain why it’s so dry
there must be something more

this is what i’ve prayed for
thank you, please take it away
cause all i see is the pain
show me the reason in the rain

the night’s alive and it is angry
again i’m asking “save me!”
give me the strength to wait longer

the clouds will pass, the sun will rise
i can imagine clear blue skies
but this storm…it’s making me stronger

peter’s tears

Posted on by under Conviction / Doubt, God


here, in the world i hold at bay
surrounded by folks who don’t see things my way
they ask me questions, i know they know the truth
all they want from me is proof

when did i learn to be ashamed of my soul?
i try to disect what God’s made whole
only for my sake i lied, i denied
i know You’re dying inside

and Your words come back in my regret
i swore i’d never forget
tossed into a land so well worn
i feel less like a seed and more like a thorn

i lose myself in the lies of my mind
robbed of excuses i’m trying to find
three times convicted, i was broken by two
i can’t think of what i’ve done to You

but never again – that’s my oath of the hour
give me the strength, i haven’t the power
to stand in the face of that slow steady wind
and never fall – again.