one decision ends my life
made one thousand times
quick to choose and to regret
the chance was ever mine
the wrong words seem to echo
though only after they’ve been said
i cannot live it better
only over in my head
Category Archives: Struggles
so lonely
have you ever been so lonely
you run out of reasons to stay awake?
and each hour off the clock
is 60 reasons for heartbreak?
have you ever been so lonely
you can’t remember hearing your name
spoken by other than salesmen
and every one is the same
each one has just what you need
to make your life complete
you look for answers in the eyes
of everyone you meet
have you ever been so lonely
you know it’s useless to cry
have you ever wept anyway
as a way to pass the time
June 20
i could be depressed
i could bend your ear
with all the saddest stories
you didn’t ask to hear
instead i will smile
and wait for you to call
then i will say i’m fine
i don’t miss you at all
bounty
a few more wishes roll in with the tide
like lava the earth can’t keep inside
i gather it up and dig holes to hide
these memories of a darker pride
i was walking a cluttered ocean floor
weighted with treasure but looking for more
i kicked my feet finally rising for air
stopped short the surface, while everyone stared
thrashing and screaming, breath was so near
someone was shouting, i couldn’t hear
i cried, “pull me up, i am heavy with gold”
someone was shouting, “just let it go”
ocean’s bounty pulled me down
never meant to see dry ground
it glittered all around me
but it was trying to drown me
i made my peace, with opened fists
it fell to be forever missed
i swore i’d never speak of that day
when i let it all slip away
second story
in the spring another fall
for the stubborn leaves that cling
to the now new budding branches
life pushes death out of the way
fluttering, twisting, fighting
bearing it’s own memory
these lonely strangers fall
once blessed with such a view
they gather in corners and whisper
tall tales from the elusive past
they wander dusty pavement
now slaves to old enemy breeze
settling on some cracked sidewalk
where Jeff loved Jane in 88
imitation immortality
fingers traced in wet cement
love now abandoned to excuses
once blessed with such a view
wolf
i have no excuse
to be turned loose
i might do it all again
i hardly have chance
in this circumstance
it might happen again
here i stand, without the proof
to show you that i speak the truth
i’m crying
i’m crying
wolf
you know that before
i stood up and swore
that it was a brand new day
you know that i lie
i will not deny
this time i mean what i say
abandon my hope
1-15-01
—–
oh yeah i’m feeling the burn alright
the soft ache of a silent night
it’s not so much that i’m lonely
it’s not so bad that i’m me
i’ve got a stack of distractions
waiting for me to take action
but i’m stuck on the maybe you might
want to waste some time tonight
tv, flicker on, and save me from
lessons learned that strike me dumb
i am not defined by a telephone ring
i should not wish for such things
like an empty roll and a strangers place
to ask for help is to risk disgrace
but everyone feels this way today
but only i have the guts to say
i don’t care that it’s foolish
i don’t care that i’m wasting a wish
the world can’t tell me what to do
i cannot abandon my hope for you
i am winter
1/4/2001
i am winter come to ruin
the promise of last spring
with freezing rain on window panes
i am death of everything
there is no guilt or sadness
for summer’s come and gone
each has had their day
i am dusk for every dawn
at the end of december
12-31
—–
every person in my universe
has something better to do
than to just check up on me
before the year is new
every tear that i have wasted
every tear wiped on my sleeve
is all from beautiful lies
i tried to believe
too old to feel so fresh
why does the pain return
same way i cross bridges
that have burned
ah, but it’s no tragedy
no, they all will say they care
it’s just that they’re too busy
and that’s only fair
but i would like to be
someone to remember
someone to be with
at the end of december
trepidation
10/25/2000
God, if i give you what you’ve earned
the sacrifice that is meant to burn
what will become of the world i know
shallow laughs with lies below
trepidation, face of fear
as Your promised land draws near
what if i can’t handle being real
what if i break what time can’t heal
but there’s the answer, time is myth
just a curse that breath comes with
and only your touch makes one of two
and let’s me free of the things i do
when Christ walked here, He did not sin
did He sometimes feel trapped in His skin
no, time was the cage that humbled the King
trapped in minutes from eternity
do you remember, or have you moved on
sitting in darkness, waiting for dawn
it’s past midnight here, what can i do
i have no choice but to wait on You