Category Archives: Struggles

arizona rain

Posted on by under God, Struggles
10-10-2000
—–
inspiration like arizona rain
falls on the sand it abandoned
flows life through the land like veins
i’ve never been to arizona
maybe a clue to what i’m missing
a lifevest thrown from a passing plane
‘we won’t be able to save you, son
but we’ll send someone you’re way’
oceans are deserts when you’re left alone
and dipping waves give no glimpse of home
was the promise a lie, a mirage in the sky?
forgotten flood as the land goes dry?
no, i am clutching to the proof of hope
bobbing in an ocean of reality
no, these cactus thorns are sharp with life
the desert sports a new coat of green
all i need will forever surround
lifevests for oceans, rain for dry ground
could this be what tv tells me?
a so far product of eternity?
my faith falls short of the popular claim
we merely meander ’round a ball of flames
for i see a rhythm in the world
these swelling waves keep perfect time
lost in this blue i am privy to truth
contentment will always deny
i am broken, no matter since when
i cannot conquer my eventual end
i haven’t the power to change my mind
i am found more than i find
this desert ocean gives me a voice
through cracked lips i must rejoice
mercy is granted because of my deeds
grace is given in excess of my needs
raindrops bring word of God’s faithfulness
rescue ships sail with a bounty of goodness
though i will never be worthy
these are the gifts God has given me

remember my name

Posted on by under friends, Struggles
2-18
—-
where are my thoughts that i can explain
this feeling inside neither pleasure nor pain
so many miles still i haven’t moved on
i remember so much that i never feel gone
but i am forgotten, i must keep in mind
the lives i left have left me behind
there is no great sadness, cause it wasn’t to be
they were never supposed to matter to me
i guess i slipped up, i guess it’s a sin
my desparate craving to be back there again
resting my mind in the hands of the clock
assuming my someday i’ll be back on the block
but i will not change from this image of shame
and they may not even remember my name.

unerasable marks

Posted on by under God, Struggles

11/15/99

i say crap and i say damnit
i say i lost it as if i had it
i can analyze and say i don’t care
truth is i’m still wanting to go out somehwere

all my complaining hasn’t taught me a thing
just like reading a a hymn doesn’t teach me to sing
but i have a car and a nights worth of fuel
but it sits unused cause life is so cruel

it’s that jealousy rising it’s taking it’s toll
my faith is laid waste by the pain in my soul
it sounds poetic and it sounds so dark
but truth is these times leave unerasable marks

i still want to go outside
and i still want to hide
will i ever learn that God wants the best
and stop chasing after the rest?

ok

Posted on by under friends, Struggles

maybe everything you say is right
mabye i’m just calling to pick a fight
you say i’m scared and i think that’s true
but i’m weaker than i sound to you

sometimes i hold the phone tight to my ear
but i won’t beg for words i need to hear
you tell me tomorrow the sun will rise
just say you’ll stay if i say goodbye

say i’m ok
even if i know it’s true
say i’m ok
i need to hear it from you

this valley will not make me its slave
but i don’t know which command to obey
i know different roads lead to different places
but i’ve shown the world far too many faces

now i’m just so scared of being alone
i know you’re tired of holding the phone
but i’m crying out (why can’t you see)
you have the power to heal me

say i’m ok
even if i know it’s true
i’ll be ok
if i hear it from you

Jesus

Posted on by under Conviction / Doubt, God, Struggles

Jesus, a name a rarely use
this is that cliche beg for Your hand
i read Your touch brings healing
i don’t really understand

if Your hands, then part of the body
aren’t we all your flesh and bone?
send someone to hold me
i cannot mend if alone

my days hold no assurance
my heart no hope to burn
like fuel to reach my goal
Jesus, i don’t know where to turn

in faith that is not free of doubt
i ask for Your peace, for a friend
i’ll wait here trapped by fear
for the rescue You will send

hate my life

Posted on by under Struggles

i hate my life, i hope it never changes
pause it here and we’ll call it even
i don’t wanna watch another love leaving

it’ll be better. someday i’ll look back
and wonder why i was so afraid
to leave the mess
leave the mess i have made

i’ve become complacent
such a disappointment
how much can i take?
how much can i take?
before i break

so easy to feel

Posted on by under Girls, Sad, Struggles

i never asked the world to help me off the ground
dust me off, hug me, and carry me around
i sip life through a straw, slow and steady wins the race
i forget that every time i’ve ended up in second place

if you call my name i’ll try to make you smile
i never asked for anyone to stand with rank and file
every now and then i stop to wonder where i am
but i never asked the world to give a damn

i park in distant space, walk too far back home
i don’t complain about the fact i’m most often alone
when i feel the dark clouds coming, hear thunder like a train
doubt is just a lack of hope and truth is falling rain

i never was one to try and change the way you live
i didin’t keep score of what you take and what i give
i only wish that empty wasn’t so easy to feel
i never gave you anything you did not want to steal

worth it

Posted on by under Conviction / Doubt, Faith, God, Struggles

am i led into the desert
or do i go there on my own?

do i have to swing so hard
to get water from a stone

i can’t see a burning bush
i can’t see your signs
i wish you’d come and tell me
something that i can’t deny

say you love me
tell me i’m beautiful
say you love me
tell me i’m beautiful
tell me i’m worth it.

i would sit right by the fire
they’d ask me and i would deny

and i’d stand back in the corner
till i put a finger in your side

drown in the streams

Posted on by under Conviction / Doubt, God, Hope, Struggles

 


there’s a voice in my head muttering, “God, no”
there’s a voice in my head shouting, “i told you so”
and all of my choices have led me to this
imagine all chances i’ve missed
to make something of what i’ve seen
but i let hope get the best of me
i let hope get the best of me

and the truth is i can’t really see
what is or is not best for me
my deepest feelings
my secret dreams
love is the ocean
but i drown in the streams

all of my choices have led me to this
God, you know everything i’ve missed
when i let hope get the best of me

thirsty

Posted on by under Conviction / Doubt, Faith, God, Struggles


i’m useless
i’m sad and ashamed
i’d rather shed selfish tears
than speak Your name

but nothing around here
reminds me of You
taking a scapel to myths
i wanted to be true

but i won’t sing those songs
unless i mean amazing grace
but more than your voice
i want You to put me in my place

i’m thirsty, Lord
give me a taste (of the reason for pain) i’ll go on again
i’m thirsty, Lord
lift up my chin in this rain

i’ve heard it said before
thinking men get nothing done
when i finally find the will to fight
i find the enemies won

but i survive, and they look down
i’m all wrapped up in my hypocrisy
forgive me for falling so far
and taking Your name down with me

thank You for the drought
You knew a flood would have me think
that i deserve these gifts
when i’m just begging for a drink