Tag Archives: my stuff

such a waste

Posted on by under Getting Over It, Girls

i chose a costume from my closet
whatever mood you’re in today
face up to an honest mirror
rehearse words i’ll never say

and when i’m home from chasing you
hang my laugh on the back of the chair
slip on a sadness that’s wearing thin
and wonder why i care

i pour myself out for you
whatever you want me to
and they say it’s such a waste
what i do …to put a smile on your face

my hope is beaten and left for dead
but it picks itself up again and again
send someone strong enough to finish the job
i fear this will never end

i want to crawl inside, behind your eyes
and then finally i could see
how truly far you are from
ever wanting me

wolf

Posted on by under Conviction / Doubt, Getting Over It, Struggles

i have no excuse
to be turned loose
i might do it all again

i hardly have chance
in this circumstance
it might happen again

here i stand, without the proof
to show you that i speak the truth
i’m crying
i’m crying
wolf

you know that before
i stood up and swore
that it was a brand new day

you know that i lie
i will not deny
this time i mean what i say

hard to find

Posted on by under Getting Over It, Girls

smuggle these words out of my head
in whispers meant for angel ears
and carry them off to heaven
wrapped up in my deepest fears

i am too smart to fall for this
she is not worth the chase
but i am made a fool by
every smile on her face

so i send a simple prayer
i know i should not pray
let her be the one for me
or take this hope away

lead her back into my life
make me who she wants to see
at least a mask and costume
someone i will never be

i want to make her happy
only God can make her mine
hope is hard to hide from
and love is hard to find

you are nice enough to say

Posted on by under Girls, Sad

sometimes i can’t move fast enough
to duck out of the way
of what you don’t really mean
but are nice enough to say

so i’d like to leave it all to you
the choices to be made
and i’ll be along for the ride
no games to be played

this time it’s a safer way
no one hurts or wants to run
when you want to, freely call
if you need to talk to someone

i’m trying to accept my role
i am here just to fix you
when your broken down and
when you don’t know what to do

and i can’t speak for tomorrow
but right now i am ok
with being here for your tears
and then watching you skip away

3/15/01

public access

Posted on by under Getting Over It, Girls

1-26-01
—-

she was more to me than i can say
more than syllables convey
it was public access on the air
everyone gets it, nobody cares

hearing her voice and “hey it’s me”
like the oxygen i forgot to breathe
and i inhale it and fill my soul
claw for the diamond in the coal

she was a cliff one step behind
i can’t fly but i don’t mind
falling for her wasn’t so bad
but a worse landing i’ve never had

i see her smile trapped in a frame
in the picture it all stays the same
but now each goodbye could be for real
everyone knows how i feel

these tears traded like stocks and bonds
on the market of ‘is she really gone’
so i spin it fresh for a tale to tell
how i was lulled into her spell

she didn’t even give me the chance
to make a grand speech for the sake of romance
i didn’t get to stand my ground
to “i’ll see you around”

that’s not fair
you don’t care
you’ve been there too
it’s happened to you

right?

abandon my hope

Posted on by under Girls, Struggles

1-15-01
—–

oh yeah i’m feeling the burn alright
the soft ache of a silent night
it’s not so much that i’m lonely
it’s not so bad that i’m me

i’ve got a stack of distractions
waiting for me to take action
but i’m stuck on the maybe you might
want to waste some time tonight

tv, flicker on, and save me from
lessons learned that strike me dumb
i am not defined by a telephone ring
i should not wish for such things

like an empty roll and a strangers place
to ask for help is to risk disgrace
but everyone feels this way today
but only i have the guts to say

i don’t care that it’s foolish
i don’t care that i’m wasting a wish
the world can’t tell me what to do
i cannot abandon my hope for you

i am winter

Posted on by under Death, Struggles

1/4/2001

i am winter come to ruin
the promise of last spring
with freezing rain on window panes
i am death of everything

there is no guilt or sadness
for summer’s come and gone
each has had their day
i am dusk for every dawn

at the end of december

Posted on by under friends, Struggles

12-31
—–

every person in my universe
has something better to do
than to just check up on me
before the year is new

every tear that i have wasted
every tear wiped on my sleeve
is all from beautiful lies
i tried to believe

too old to feel so fresh
why does the pain return
same way i cross bridges
that have burned

ah, but it’s no tragedy
no, they all will say they care
it’s just that they’re too busy
and that’s only fair

but i would like to be
someone to remember
someone to be with
at the end of december

pardon

Posted on by under God

12/16/2000

spotlights stroll the prison yard
i’m stuck back in a shadow
fifty feet from the closest wall
watching dogs alert with my fear
a tug of a leash and it’s clear
i start out slow, unsure of the plan
they’re looking for reasons to kill a man
cheek to the wall, grabbing at brick
the harsh glow passes, just at my feet
and i pull and grunt almost shout
but make it up there – halfway out
but what does freedom offer me
here i get meals and a place to sleep
maybe the best i could ever find
maybe the world is worse than i recall
and i call out for some help down
the dogs let loose and soon surround
the pounding thought, “what have i done”
i should have had the nerve to run
it’s not so bad, the slamming cell door
just that i’ve been here before
i can never go back to when this was new
when i heard stories and believed a few
no, now i have the facts of the matter
regret for the deed that brought me here
the cold ringing of taunting keys
someone is here to see me
they lead me out – into sunlight
and the gate is sliding…click
i turn around and face my past
sealed up tight and silent
but this is not fair, this is not right
who sleeps in my cell tonight?
no hope of parole, no i had to die
could someone have changed their mind?
oh i draw a breath of fresh, free air
to ask, “why am i here, and who is in there?”

trepidation

Posted on by under God, Struggles

10/25/2000

God, if i give you what you’ve earned
the sacrifice that is meant to burn
what will become of the world i know
shallow laughs with lies below

trepidation, face of fear
as Your promised land draws near
what if i can’t handle being real
what if i break what time can’t heal

but there’s the answer, time is myth
just a curse that breath comes with
and only your touch makes one of two
and let’s me free of the things i do

when Christ walked here, He did not sin
did He sometimes feel trapped in His skin
no, time was the cage that humbled the King
trapped in minutes from eternity

do you remember, or have you moved on
sitting in darkness, waiting for dawn
it’s past midnight here, what can i do
i have no choice but to wait on You